i.justrealized

Been out the entire day. I wanted to walk around the city alone a little longer actually. Thought I look around a little more, but my mind went wondering to begin a reflection process. Feeling lost, I head home.

I think I have changed a lot since the polytechnic days and it’s not really the way I want it.

I keep thinking “if I were to do things differently, I would have so and so…” but everything’s stuck the way it is. Past cannot be altered.

My personality seemed malleable, changing from occasion to occasion, different periods of the year I’m in different ‘personalities’.

I am starting to feel I lack a distinct personality and that I just sort of “went with the flow” because things appear to be working (so far).

But what if I am wrong?

[Ignore this post...]

I tend to chat with people in order to avoid thinking about the sadder events. It works sometimes, not really working that often already though.

I engaged myself in many conversations to try to forget certain events. But each time there is no reply from the other party, my mind drifted off and the sad events revisited.

Every early in the morning, my day begins clean, no sad memories come to me. At the end of the day, sad memories revisit me. And every night I sleep with this loss, this sadness. I toss and turn a little and fell asleep. You know, usually when you say good bye to someone online, you tell them to “sleep well”, or “good night” or whatever. Sometimes, I tell a friend something like, “hope you won’t toss and turn tonight, hahaa…”

Maybe… I would prefer to be told that.

Things did not go well, either with work or with my life. I made several mistakes that could possibly to costly (not in the monetary sense) and I am struggling to remedy. And yesterday I felt I lost something. Maybe I did lose something after all.