New year’s coming and I am excited that I am going older a year. This year has been particularly fruitful. I completed most of what I set to achieve. Here’s a rough status:
On religion, I ascertain my religious stance. I am neither theist nor atheist. I found out about the word “ignostic” (or theological noncognitivism) and felt it describes the thoughts that are forming from 2008 to now and I learn that I am not alone.
On consumption, I have deeper appreciation on the finer things. I learnt to enjoy coffee in its bitter form. I finally got it.
On living, I am slowly discovering what my motto in life is. It’s kind of flaky and I should not discuss it now. I feel a lot of decisions that I make or do not make is based on this narrative. While it differs from most people, I found peace in that statement and that everything will be okay if I continue to invest my options towards that goal.
On work, I quit ONG&ONG because I got too comfortable. I never realized I crave for uncertainty that much. I traded stability for excitement. It’s the first step to reprioritize myself. I look forward to 2012.
On clothes, I am more willing to try out something less conservative. I wanted to believe that there is a perfect form of fashion but this is perhaps fundamentally incorrect. I am confident that nearly no one has any idea if a set of apparel and accessories is matching. It depends on the person having the confidence to pull off the most ridiculous of combinations.
On verbal and written communication, I could do better. I should work on this more in 2012. I tend to be misunderstood.
On health, I am less healthy than before. I will go to the gym more. Oh and by the way, I somewhat concluded that the most important thing in life cannot be health. Anyway who claims that haven’t thought through the subject sufficiently. If you believe in that and you aren’t a health product salesman please let me pull you out of this disillusion. Call me.
On music, I like fusion jazz and electro swing more. And Nicki Minaj of course. I got a pair of Marshall headphones this year and it is best investment this year. Thank you Joanne.
On people, I grew less skeptic and less protective of myself this year. Am I just waiting to be hurt really badly? Maybe. People are kinder to me this year — empirical evidence of something done right.
And know I have to think what am I going to do with it. They are initials for my name Kah Wee. Currently it redirects to this blog.
I probably make it into a tinyurl-like service or something. This is a rather unnecessary expense actually. I kinda regret spending 60 on something I probably won’t put any thing useful on. But oh well what’s done is done.
Somehow the tune of the song matches my mood these days. The somewhat disjoint tune, the mumbled lyrics…
As I was traveling, whether to school, whether in the train, as long as I am alone, this is the tune that loops in my mind. I couldn’t really recall where I heard the tune. I can only remember it tells me to wake up, rise and shine.
Somehow, just somehow, I feel a little sad listening to this.
Been out the entire day. I wanted to walk around the city alone a little longer actually. Thought I look around a little more, but my mind went wondering to begin a reflection process. Feeling lost, I head home.
I think I have changed a lot since the polytechnic days and it’s not really the way I want it.
I keep thinking “if I were to do things differently, I would have so and so…” but everything’s stuck the way it is. Past cannot be altered.
My personality seemed malleable, changing from occasion to occasion, different periods of the year I’m in different ‘personalities’.
I am starting to feel I lack a distinct personality and that I just sort of “went with the flow” because things appear to be working (so far).
I… favor certain set of numbers. Certain numbers make me feel at ease while some made me feel slightly uneasy. I can control these feelings so there is no point flashing the number ‘9’ at me to piss me off.
I wonder if any one else has the same feeling when they look at numbers. I like 2, 5, 7, 12 and 1024 in particular. No, I did not like 1024 because it’s 2**10 (two to the power of ten). I like the number before I even had a computer. Hmmmp, could it be destiny?
I’m at the age where it’s getting harder to make new friends. The lucky people have their good friends, the luckier ones have whom they would consider as best friends. I…
“I have many friends,” I tell myself.
I know a lot of people through many occasions but I couldn’t help but to feel jealous when I hear the word ‘good friend’ because I couldn’t think of any one that would regard me as ‘good friend’. Of course this is all relative, I have friends who I chat online once a year greeting me as “hey good friend”. But in my standards, I don’t think I am their ‘good friend’.
So it all goes back to primary school where you have a couple of good friends and for some strange egoistic reason you can actually be darn proud of it. As I grow older, the number of people whom I consider as good friends dropped to perhaps three. Or four. Okay three.
It become a lot of acquaintances, many friends and a couple of good friends. I struggle to keep friends. I just don’t have the ability to keep friends. Once I don’t communicate with people on the phone or in real life, it just drifts apart. It matters little that we could still meet up and we can hahaha together about good old times. My mind is just constantly injected with the possibility that things aren’t the same as before. And I just don’t feel this friendship somehow. Like it degraded into an acquaintanceship.
And then I start pondering, asking and asking myself why. Why am I this way? Are others the same? Do they have good friends? What do they think of me? Are they using me? Am I important to them? Why don’t I have someone to consider as a ‘best friend’?
You see, if I were to draw a graph, it would be a flattened bell curve. Meaning that I know many people but I have few close friends and few enemies. It’s bothering me a lot more since the beginning of this year. I keep thinking but I never gotten answers.
This insecurity affects me when I communicate with would-be good friends. It felt unnatural and sometimes it feels like I am trying too hard.
Been a little busy this couple of days with work, theory test, PC show and a little something.
I passed my final theory evaluation. Went for a practice on Thursday and Friday and took the evaluation today. I was feeling kinda panicky this morning when I woke at ten and didn’t have time to do much reading up.
When the results got revealed. I see that I got 45 of 50 questions right. That translate to a 90% which is just pass! I returned home happily and blasted some music.