Default surfing

Know of the time when your mind’s spacing out and your fingers start typing things in your address bar and pressing Enter?

It used to be Yahoo.com that I go to when I have nothing in mind. I don’t know why but it seems like my mind’s portal of choice. Uh, it’s not mine, it’s my mind’s. Anyway, it has since changed to Facebook.com and I am concerned.

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.com, that it is that I love to hate it. Facebook.com has my photographs and life trapped in it and just the other day I was using Facebook to date a particular moment of my life. I am so reliant on a channel that it almost is part of me. My friends are there, okay, my friends’ profiles are there. Facebook manages to make me feel I’ve done my social homework everyday and it fulfills my need to be close to people somewhat sufficiently.

But, there are times when I typed Facebook.com on my browser windows only to close it in defiance. This is the rebel facility in my mind acting up. I call it a bunch of names:

  • Unsocial
  • Fake social
  • Toilet status machine
  • Rant Reader 2.0

At one point of time I blocked myself from Facebook.com by, very smartly, adding Facebook.com to my /etc/hosts file. I remained proud of myself till the day I had to do some work on Facebook. I now have it unblocked and Chrome is picking it up as one of my most frequented sites.

So let’s look at my most frequented sites:

  • Facebook
  • Reddit
  • Hacker News
  • Google Reader
  • YouTube
  • Gmail
  • Cafyn
  • CNN

Okay I can’t continue my topic from here, let’s go back to the topic on Facebook.

My point is Facebook has become some sort of a validation tool. Nothing happened unless it’s on Facebook. Went to Australia? No you didn’t, because it ain’t on Facebook. Which is why it took me so long to put up my Sydney and Melbourne photographs (I still have yet to). I felt a part of me is putting it up to confirmed my presence in Australia and that disturbed me.

And think of the time you do something good and write on Facebook.com. What happens? Your friends flock to Like your comment. You feel pleased and your act of kindness is validated by their likes. For the lazy, Facebook is the new moral compass. “I’m not sure what I am doing is right or not. I’ll put it on Facebook.”

Then the rants. Facebook is the most unhappy website for me because I read far too many complaints I feel unhappy too. There’s just too many rants on Facebook until I feel a little less reading lightens my mood.

Now look at your news feed and look at what people are sharing on Facebook. I’m not sure about your news feed but mine is filled with music videos. “Charles shared this with me the –” I stopped and thought for a while. Well he did share it to Facebook but it wasn’t specifically to me. Suddenly sharing the way I understand is evolving. I don’t feel the exclusivity anymore and they’re sharing everything they found interesting. I missed the times when shares are with more intent, now things are just so random. Furthermore I don’t feel my friend really shared things with me. My friend just delegated the sharing to Facebook. My friend is Facebook.

I am back to blocking Facebook. I’m staying away from it for a while. It’s getting depressing.

Stereotyped as a web developer

During casual introductions, it perhaps isn’t particularly good to tell others what you do. I find that introducing myself as a web developer to friends of friends just kind of kills it all. Not because web developers are such nasty people — quite the opposite, most are nice — but that there’s a deep stereotype as to what a software engineer is like. I feel my identity is determined by my work — meticulous, overly logical, robotic and geeky. Furthermore web developer is an increasingly meaningless label since everyone knows a cousin could do what I do. Web programming is just one of the things that I can do. I could do more but in a one sentence introduction I can’t mention all. Now I just say my name and how I first met my friends. Not useful maybe, but rids the stereotype.

Lunar new year plans

It’s lunar new year and a couple of my friends can’t be found. They’ve gone traveling to Bintan and Yunnan in China and God knows where. Went there for a vacation they say. They’ve been busy all year long and lunar new year become a good time to take a break. And well, you can’t take a break if your friends and relatives keep visiting you. So their brilliant plan – have a vacation at some other country enjoying some beach probably.

Tomorrow I’ll be traveling quite a bit (with a car). It would be fun I think. Nice to see everyone again.

What led me to have this kind of dream?

I woke up this morning feeling rather horrible. I had this dream concerning a friend. There was this quarrel that shouldn’t have happened, these word exchanges that are perhaps too harsh and I remember the angry stares.

I sat on my bed wondering why I have the dream. Not regarding the contents of the episode but why did I dream about these kind of things. Was there any prior event we had that led to this dream? Why is this dream delivered to me in this manner? Is my mind trying to prepare me for such a situation? Perhaps my mind (in a dreamy state) anticipated a scenario close to this.

Weeks ago we had this conversation that involved angry at each other and hence getting scolded and so on. And today I woke up realizing this could actually happen.

Having a little too much fun?

I just realized that I have scheduled a little too much outings this couple of weeks and I am lacking the energy to follow up on outings. Sure it’s great to see my friends again but I can’t help but to start ‘calculating’ the worth of this.

Meetings with friends are at an expense of work and time alone. Just having this feeling that maybe I’m having a little… erm… too much fun.

As my age increases, number of good friends decreases

I’m at the age where it’s getting harder to make new friends. The lucky people have their good friends, the luckier ones have whom they would consider as best friends. I…

“I have many friends,” I tell myself.

I know a lot of people through many occasions but I couldn’t help but to feel jealous when I hear the word ‘good friend’ because I couldn’t think of any one that would regard me as ‘good friend’. Of course this is all relative, I have friends who I chat online once a year greeting me as “hey good friend”. But in my standards, I don’t think I am their ‘good friend’.

So it all goes back to primary school where you have a couple of good friends and for some strange egoistic reason you can actually be darn proud of it. As I grow older, the number of people whom I consider as good friends dropped to perhaps three. Or four. Okay three.

It become a lot of acquaintances, many friends and a couple of good friends. I struggle to keep friends. I just don’t have the ability to keep friends. Once I don’t communicate with people on the phone or in real life, it just drifts apart. It matters little that we could still meet up and we can hahaha together about good old times. My mind is just constantly injected with the possibility that things aren’t the same as before. And I just don’t feel this friendship somehow. Like it degraded into an acquaintanceship.

And then I start pondering, asking and asking myself why. Why am I this way? Are others the same? Do they have good friends? What do they think of me? Are they using me? Am I important to them? Why don’t I have someone to consider as a ‘best friend’?

You see, if I were to draw a graph, it would be a flattened bell curve. Meaning that I know many people but I have few close friends and few enemies. It’s bothering me a lot more since the beginning of this year. I keep thinking but I never gotten answers.

This insecurity affects me when I communicate with would-be good friends. It felt unnatural and sometimes it feels like I am trying too hard.

What should I do, what can I do?

Went out with the army gang today

Long time since we last met actually. Everybody’s still pretty much kinda same. It’s a good update session on what’s everyone doing. Seems like more people are leaving the country. Kinda sad that more and more people are leaving. Hopefully they’d return after they study.

Nice fountain at Suntec City

This is a really nice fountain, it has water and lights. (Like the other 2,304,203 fountains in the world.) Okay, but this one really is a little special, you’ll have to see the lighting to believe it, my camera can’t capture motion.

Anyhow, it’s a good meal. Feeling really full and really tired again. Not good for digestion.